Essay feedback
Artificial Intelligence:
How Much Energy Does AI Use?
Read this once all the way through, then come back to the planning grid before you write your next essay.
You are about 50 words short, and there is no conclusion. This is the main thing to fix — and the good news is that it is not an English problem. It is a planning problem, so it is quick to solve.
First
What you did well
These are real strengths. Do not change any of them.
You answered the right question
You wrote about how to solve the problem, not whether you agree with it. Many students write an Eiken-style opinion essay here and lose a lot of marks. You did not.
You gave three different solutions
Clean energy, reusing water, and more scientists. Three separate ideas, not one idea repeated three times. That is exactly what the question asked for.
You labelled your own idea clearly
“In addition to the text’s proposals, [I] believe that improving number of scientists can also help this problem.”
The examiner is looking for one idea from the article and one of your own. You told them exactly where your own idea starts. This is a mature thing to do.
Your third idea is genuinely yours
More science classes at school is not in the article at all. You thought of it yourself, and it connects to the real problem — someone has to invent those alternative materials.
Then
Three things to fix
In this order. Number 1 is worth more marks than 2 and 3 together.
Each solution gets only one sentence
Your three ideas are 12 words, 21 words and 35 words long. A body paragraph needs about 55. You are not short of ideas — you are short of explanation.
Every solution needs three parts: what to do → what changes because of it, and why → why it could really happen (who does it, what it costs). Right now you write part one and stop.
Your introduction gives away all the answers
Your first paragraph is 58 words — it should be about 35 — and it ends with “The solution is to use solar or reuse water and make alternative materials.”
So paragraphs 2 and 3 then repeat what you already said. You are spending your words twice and still finishing short. Say the problem in the introduction. Save the solutions for the body, and use the last two sentences for a conclusion that says which idea is best and why.
You used no numbers from the article
The article hands you three: 4.2–6.6 billion cubic metres of water by 2027, 800 kg of raw materials for one 2 kg computer, and ten times more electricity than a Google search.
Using one or two of these adds words and scores marks for “understanding of the article”. This is the fastest 25 words available to you. While you read, circle two numbers and promise yourself you will use one.
Sentence by sentence
Four rewrites
The dotted line is what you wrote. The solid line is the same idea, finished.
Opening sentence
The reading emphasizes the fact that Artificial Intelligence (AI) can affect environment impact.
BECOMES
The article explains that artificial intelligence depends on real physical resources and damages the environment in several ways.
Why: “affect environment impact” says the same thing twice. Choose one — affect the environment. And “in several ways” tells the examiner that a list is coming.
Describing data centres
A large building that AI program data are stored, need resources like electricity, water and raw materials.
BECOMES
The data centres where AI programs are stored consume enormous amounts of electricity, water and raw materials.
Why: a place needs where, not that. And the article gives you the word data centres — use the article’s own vocabulary, it is free marks.
Your second solution — this is the big one
Second, people are using too meny water to cool down the computers, so reusing water is one solution for this ploblem.
BECOMES
Second, because cooling the machines requires so much water, data centres should reuse the same water instead of taking new water from local rivers. Experts estimate that AI could use up to 6.6 billion cubic metres of water by 2027 — more than Denmark uses in a year — so a closed cooling system would remove a real source of competition with farms.
Why: same idea, but now it has an effect (farms stop competing for water) and evidence (the number from the article). One sentence became two, and 21 words became 58. Do this to all three paragraphs and your length problem disappears.
Your own idea
If schools make more science class for students can help increase number of scientists.
BECOMES
If schools offered more science classes, more students would choose research careers, and new alternative materials would be invented sooner. This costs a government very little compared with building new equipment.
Why: your sentence lost its subject in the middle — “…for students can help” — so the reader cannot tell what “can help”. The second sentence adds feasibility: why this could really happen.
Language
The pattern to watch
One habit causes most of your grammar slips: the subject disappears (主語の省略). Japanese allows this. English does not — every English sentence needs a subject, even when it feels obvious.
| You wrote | It should be | Missing subject |
|---|---|---|
| …believe that improving number… | I believe that increasing the number… | I |
| When we improve number of scientists, can find new materials | …, they can find new materials | they |
| If schools make more science class for students can help increase… | If schools offered more science classes, this would help increase… | this |
Six quick corrections
| You wrote | Correct | Rule |
|---|---|---|
| A crucial step … are | A crucial step … is | One step = singular verb |
| too meny water | too much water | Water is uncountable — and check the spelling of “many” |
| improve number of scientists | increase the number of scientists | You increase a number; you improve a quality |
| green house gases | greenhouse gases | One word — it is printed that way in the article |
| ploblem (three times) | problem | r, not l |
| Scientist | scientist | No capital letter in the middle of a sentence |
“Problem” is worth five minutes on its own. An examiner notices the same word misspelled three times far more than three different mistakes. Write it ten times tonight and it is gone for ever.
Before you write
Fill nine boxes, not three
Your planning is producing three labels and no content, which is why the essay runs out early. Copy this grid onto your planning box in the exam. Fill in all nine boxes before you write a single sentence on the writing sheet.
Three rules for the grid
Five minutes, nine boxes, then stop
If a box is empty, that solution is not ready. Change the idea now — never in the middle of writing.
One number from the article goes in the middle column
Circle two numbers while you read the article. Put one of them into a “what changes” box.
Know your own handwriting
Your word budget is 35 / 55 / 55 / 55 / 25. Count the words on one full line of your writing once, at home, and work out how many lines 55 words takes you. Then you never have to count during the exam.
The same essay, finished
Your three ideas at 231 words
Nothing here is a new idea. These are your three solutions, with the middle and right columns of the grid filled in.
The article explains that artificial intelligence depends on real physical resources. The data centres where AI programs are stored use large amounts of electricity, water and raw materials, and they produce greenhouse gases and harmful chemicals such as mercury and lead. Three steps would reduce this damage.
First, data centres should be powered by clean energy such as solar and wind. This works because most of AI’s greenhouse gases come from the electricity the machines use, so changing the source of that electricity removes the pollution without reducing the service. It is realistic because several technology companies already build their own solar farms.
Second, data centres should reuse their cooling water instead of taking new water from rivers. Experts say AI may use up to 6.6 billion cubic metres of water by 2027, which is more than Denmark uses in a year. A closed system circulates the same water again and again, so a centre in a dry region no longer competes with local farms.
Third, and this is my own idea, schools should offer more science classes so that more students become researchers. New alternative materials will not appear by themselves; someone has to invent them. This costs a government very little compared with building new equipment, and the benefit lasts for decades.
Of the three, clean energy matters most, because it can begin immediately using technology that already exists.
Your ideas: 155 words. The same ideas, explained: 231 words.
Next essay
Check these six things
- Did I fill all nine boxes in the grid before writing?
- Does my introduction give the problem only, in about 35 words?
- Does every solution have an effect and a reason why it is possible?
- Did I use at least one number from the article?
- Does my last paragraph say which idea is best, and why?
- In the last three minutes, did I check subjects, plurals, and the spelling of “problem”?
You are doing the hardest part already — choosing good ideas and answering the real question. Length and accuracy are the easy part to train. Bring this page to our next lesson.
BumbleB English · Yoga, Setagaya